Thursday Rants

Sex in relationships .. We all talk about it .. We all bitch & complain about it .. As women, I feel as though a lot of us complain that we “have” to do it too much .. That twice a week is enough .. And ladies, excuse me when I say – I think that’s bullshit .. J Sex is so important to me in a relationship .. The passion, the intimacy, the want, the love – I feel so much when doing the deed .. Don’t get me wrong - of course, there are times, when I’m not in the mood or when my boyfriend is too tired – but I could never imagine going weeks without physical contact ..  Sure, I might have a high sex drive – but hello – have you seen my boyfriend? It’s hard for me to keep my hands off of him .. I hope I never have to be one of those woman who thinks “ugh, not again” or who has to complain to all of my girlfriends about how I HAVE to have sex with my man .. Whether it’s a quickie or whether it’s a longie – I just loved to be loved on .. 

Starbucks .. Every day you see me .. Every day you get more beautiful .. Every day I wonder if I’ll ever break my addiction to you .. Every day I wonder how in the hell I spend $15 a week on coffee to keep me functional .. That’s $60 a month .. on coffee .. Do you know what I could do with $60? Buy my own coffee & make my own iced coffee .. Ain’t nobody got time foh dat! Forreal ..

Two & half year olds .. I have never wanted anything more in life, than to take my son, ball him up, shove him back inside of me, give birth to him again, and enjoy his first 2 years .. After that 2^nd birthday – when I say your child turns into a monster – I’m not exaggerating .. My son will tell me he hates me, that I’m mean, that I’m not his favorite .. Everything is all about his Daddy or his Nana .. I do any & everything for him .. I love him, I praise him, I hug him, I kiss him, I do little things for him, I surprise him, I take him places, I buy him things – I am so patient with him when he gets upset .. I try to understand him when he’s angry .. I feel as though I’m putting in so much effort to just be a good Mom & every day – he makes me feel as though I’m nothing to him .. I hope this passes .. If not, I’m going to get myself knocked up again & hopefully this child will love me longer than a year .. That’s totally a legit reason to get pregnant again, right? 

Makeup .. I spend hundreds of dollars on you .. How can I go from beautiful at 630am to zombie/death by 430pm? I buy your fancy primers .. I spend $47 on MakeUp Forever HD Foundation & Blush – I use $30 urban decay setting spray .. Why do you not like to stick to my skin? I don’t have a super greasy face & I sit at a damn desk .. I’m not doing manual labor where I will sweat my makeup off .. I don’t get it .. I think, right now, in my makeup bag – I have at least $450 worth of GOOD makeup .. Wanna know one of the best things in there that I never seem to have a major problem with?? ELF Foundation .. $6 .. Works better than the MakeUp forever foundation .. 

Salsa .. I’ve been craving you every day for the past 5 days .. I put you on eggs, I put you on chips, I put you on lettuce and eat salsa salads .. Why? What is it with your chunky tomatoes & sweet onions?

3:40pm on a Thursday .. WHY AREN’T YOU 4:30 YET? I want to go home and sleep and eat salsa .. That is, after I go get tat, tat, tatted up yo .. I’m over here freaking out and having stomach pains at the nervousness of this tattoo .. I have three .. I gave birth without drugs .. and I’m freakin’ out over a stupid little wrist tattoo .. I want to vom ..

One more day until Friday! 

Peace bitches!

What Women Should Know About Men

Recently, I found myself reading an article put together by the weirdo’s at wallstreetinsanity.com titled “50 things women should know about men” .. Immediately, I laughed & knew I had to read it .. Please, for your enjoyment, let me elaborate on a few I thought were RIDICULOUS ..

1 – You gotta stay away from his internet search history. Do girls do this? I mean, I understand feeling suspicious about things .. But if I have an inclination of cheating or lying – I’m going straight for the phone or the Facebook/Instagram way .. Why do I care what he looks at on the internet? Ohhh, I see what they mean .. Porn .. Sorry, but to me, porn is porn .. If he watches it, ok .. That’s probably because I’m on my period or I haven’t given him any in a few days .. he’s a man .. it’s what they do .. Deal with it or fight over it .. I choose to deal with it .. better yet, I like the saying “don’t ask, don’t tell” .. Some things are meant to be kept to yourself .. 

2 –You can’t change him .. Ok .. I get this one .. to an extent .. Yes, I will love you the way you are, but there are things in a relationship that every person needs to compromise on, or learn .. If my boyfriend doesn’t like when I grab his butt or balls in public, I’ll stop .. Not because I’m changing myself, but because I respect him .. if he lacks in the “showing me you love me” department – I will tell him about it, not asking him to change, but asking him for effort .. If you don’t get appreciation, affection or attention in a relationship – why are you even in one? Feel me?

3 – He will choose his friends over you .. Um, no .. I don’t agree with this .. There a comes a time, when you grow up .. and you don’t have to go ride bikes with little Johnny anymore & eat cheese sandwiches at his Mom’s house .. yes, he has friends from when he was 2 .. I do too .. There again, the word “compromise” comes into play .. Me, being the girlfriend that I am, would NEVER even give my man the choice to have to choose between friends or me .. My man should know the boundaries and realize, at the end of the day, his friends aren’t feeding him, fucking him or financing him .. that’s me .. & what happens when you’re 30 years old, married & have kids? You give up family time to go kick it with the boys in the club? No .. You’re an adult .. I am ALL for my man being a man & being with his friends .. I encourage him to have guy time .. But the fact that it states “he will choose his friends over you” – yeah well that’s not someone I’d want to date if that choice was valid ..

4 – Withholding sex is a dangerous game .. This particular one states “I don’t care how mad you are at him, if you cut him off for an extended period of time, what happens next is on you” .. Who wrote this shit? A 20 year old single college nerd who wishes he had a woman? I mean, cmon .. If I withhold sex because you pissed me off, I’d be damned if you go cheat on me and that’s taken as my fault .. First off, if you’ve pissed me off to the extent that I won’t bang you – you better be sucking my ass to make up for it .. I don’t play the game “withholding sex” .. If I’m mad, I’m not having sex .. period .. If I’m not hungry, I’m not eating .. If I’m not sad, I’m not going to cry .. Like, who does that? 

5 – He wants to try anal .. Ok, this one is so true .. I have nothing else to say .. Guys are gross .. Why do you want to insert, touch, feel, poke anything that I poop out of .. it’s poop .. 

6 – You should learn to play pool .. Why? Where did this one come from? I’ve never seen my boyfriend touch any stick besides his own .. Lame ..

7 – You’ve got to watch your weight .. I will watch my weight .. I will watch it go up and down and left and right and wherever else it damn pleases to go .. I can’t stand superficial, judgmental men .. I can understand if I gain 100lbs .. But if we date for 3 years, I have gain 70lbs due to pregnancy, and 3 years later I’m about 10-15lbs heavier than when we met, you can suck my ass .. If you can’t love me while I’m fat and happy – you don’t deserve my pound cake ..

8 – If you’ve been living together for more than three years, he’s not going to marry you .. Fuck you .. That’s all .. Not all men rush into a marriage in less than three years .. and not all women want marriage! If I found out who wrote this article, I’m karate chopping him in his throat while I pull his balls off of his body .. forreal ..

9 – You should always take his side .. Ok, if he goes out and murders my mom on a psycho rampage out of nowhere – you expect me to take his side? Negative .. This statement to me, is completely untrue .. I don’t expect my man to always take my side .. I expect him to call me out on my bullshit when I’m overreacting about something or if I’m wrong .. I will always have his back, but I won’t always have his side .. when you’re wrong, you’re wrong .. Why do you want to tell someone you love, they are right -  only for it to backfire & you have to watch him make an ass out of his self because he is indeed wrong, just because you are being told to “always take his side” .. 

10 – He wants you by his side .. Wait – didn’t you just tell me he’d choose his friends over me? Now I’m being told he wants to live his life as a duo & I’m not allowed to leave him at a party to go talk to my friends? I have to be miserable and stuck to him because that’s what he wants? I’m so confused ..

11 – Save the big piece of chicken for him .. Oh, I guess this one goes back to the “watch your weight” issue .. Now I have to give up my chicken breast and settle for a thigh because he “works so hard and doesn’t complain much and he deserves it”??? Hell naw .. Shut your pansy ass mouth up & eat those wings .. My man doesn’t even eat the breast .. He wants wings & legs .. Get your shit straight ghost writer .. You don’t know me, you don’t know my life! 

12 – If you make him watch a chick flick, at least give him a blowjob afterwards .. Sorry, what? If he offers to take me to the movies, we see what I want because he’s offered me .. Do I get some face for making dinner every night? Or picking up the tab? Or watching March Madness? I don’t .. No man should be rewarded for what a man is supposed to do .. and that’s make his girlfriend/wife happy .. If I’m happy, I’ll give you a blow job .. Chick Flick or not .. 

13 – Threesomes, he will never stop trying .. My man has never once brought up the idea or asked for a threesome .. Not all men want that .. Idiot ..

14 – He’s not as complicated as you are .. Ok, this one pisses me off .. Because this person writing this, is acting as if all men are simple, laid back, unemotional, happy guys .. Have you ever tried to date a man yourself Mr Writer Man?? Not as complicated my ass ..

This is actually comical .. From this entire post of 50 things, you want to tell me a man is not complicated? Let’s look back shall we .. I can’t look at his internet browsing history, I can’t change him, He will choose his friends over me, I can’t withhold sex from him, I need to learn to play pool, I have to watch my weight, he isn’t going to marry me, I have to take his side, he always wants me by his side, save him the big piece of chicken, give him blowjobs for watching chick flicks, he wants threesomes & lastly, he isnt’ complicated .. 

What. The. Fuck. Let me write this down in my “how to be a good girlfriend” diary & I’ll let everyone know how much this awesome post has helped me understand my man and has made me completely change myself to be good enough for a man .. Suck ass Wall Street Insanity .. You should give me a blow job for even taking the time to read that post & elaborate on it .. 

Happy Wednesday!

Boats & Hoes

I really had no other title for this post .. As any good blogger, I asked my girlfriends what I should blog about today .. that was the response .. 

Let’s talk boats .. They’re big .. I get sea sick .. I’d buy a yacht if I could afford it .. I was out on a boat once, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, off the coast of South Carolina .. doing what you ask? Shark fishing of course .. During this awesome adventure, I only threw up 4 times! That’s after taking Dramamine .. an hour into our fishing excursion, we had a bite, lost it, had another bite, lost it & then the skies turned black .. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate any & everything to do with thunderstorms .. Just my luck .. stuck on a boat – in the ocean – during a severe thunderstorm with 50mph winds & 12 foot waves .. No big deal .. until the captain comes down & gives us all life jackets .. I threw up 4 more times .. and had a panic attack .. lightning struck the water .. I think I crapped myself .. The winds blew the boat almost completely onto it’s side .. I crapped myself again .. Then, just like that, the sun came out .. I cried .. and laughed .. and cussed .. and cleaned myself up .. 3 hours later, we headed back to the dock & as I stepped out of the boat, I collapsed because of “sea legs” & I threw up again .. So no, I don’t want to ride in your boat or go fishing on your boat & if you have a yacht, I’ll think about it, but you have to check the weather report & there better not be a cloud in sight bitch! 

Let’s talk hoes .. Oh hoes .. There are so many kinds .. The kinds who want to have your baby, the kinds who want to wreck your happy home, the kind who want your money or the kind who just want to be someone’s something .. That’s so exhausting for me .. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been a hoe .. I never wanted kids .. I don’t want to be with someone who belongs to someone .. I have my own money .. and surely, I don’t want to be something to just anybody .. Even when I got with Brent, it was because I wanted his boat .. & he was single .. & he didn’t have kids .. & he is attractive .. oh, & I was single .. & I didn’t have kids .. it’s the perfect set up .. Then, a month later, I turned into a hoe, because I got pregnant with his baby .. Now some people think, I did that on purpose .. Me? Really? You think I just woke up and said, “I’d like to have stretch marks & gain 60-70lbs & push a butterball turkey out of my delicate blooming tiger lily?” .. Yeah, I think not .. That is what we call LUST .. and that’s what we call failed birth control .. & vodka .. LOTS of vodka .. 

Can we for one minute switch the subject & talk about the disappearing plane?? Am I the only one who thinks it’s a big conspiracy & Malaysia has the plane & all the people & they are sworn to secrecy because China & Russia are going to bomb the USA? Little extreme? I just don’t understand how a plane disappears .. Then the stupid Prime Minister of Australia, thinks he can just announce the plane crashed into the water, before they even see if the two floating objects belong to the plane .. How does that make sense? I think I’m going to go purchase some land, make an underground bunker, and just hide out from the world forever .. How scary is this world?! Every. Single. Day. There is something new .. A bombing .. A killing .. Disappearing planes .. Oil spills .. Natural disasters .. the highway I travel 2 times a day, always has accidents .. There has been an accident on Interstate 81 every day for the past month .. I swear .. 

Think I’ll make an underground ocean for my boat and fill it with hoes .. That’s got to be safer right?

Happy Tuesday!!

The Drama of Social Media

December 4, 2012 was the last time I blogged .. Contrary to your beliefs, it’s not that I ran out of things to say .. I just don’t know how to manage my time .. 

First things first – I’ve had 2 birthdays since my last blog .. I am now 28 .. Two years away from the BIG 30! I am not one of those women who fret over getting older .. I feel as though I’m getting better with age .. ok, maybe not body wise .. But I’m totally smarter & wiser & funnier & awesomer ..

My little boy, well big boy, will be turning 3 in about 5 months .. THREE .. TTTHHRREEE .. I am NOT okay with this .. I knew people said it went fast, but this is too fast .. Me no likey .. 

Brent and I celebrated three years together in December .. Still no ringy on my fingy – but I have a good feeling it will be coming soon .. When I say soon, what I really mean is, that shit better happen immediately – not like I haven’t been waiting for three years or anything .. GAH .. 

In February of this year, I accepted a new position within my same company .. & lemme tell ya something .. My stress levels have decreased .. My mood is 100 times better .. I don’t work weekends .. I’m not on call every evening .. I don’t get bothered .. I don’t get micromanaged .. I come in, do what is assigned to me (independently) & at the end of the day, my Boss always compliments my work & my abilities .. He doesn’t throw tasks on me without at least pulling me aside to ask my thoughts on taking on something new .. He is so easy going & laid back .. It makes it so much more enjoyable to come to work .. I prayed & prayed & prayed for a new beginning & 2014 started out on a great note! 

I have decided to start blogging again because I just need a space to vent & store my thoughts .. I believe that is enough of a catch up for now .. moving on ..

As of recently – I’ve found myself caught up in a little “drama” per say .. Let’s make this short & sweet .. There was a ladies night going on that I was unable to attend .. it was at the house of one of my best friends .. along with a few other girls I normally don’t talk too or hang out with .. Jump to, let’s say, midnight .. I am home with 2 of my other girlfriends, who were not invited or involved in the girls night being put on by another friend .. So one house has myself & 2 friends – the other house has my best friend & I think 4 of her friends .. Can I anyone agree when I say, as a woman, we tend to have different groups of friends we hang out with at different times? Ok, so it’s not just me? Perfect .. One thing I failed to mention, booze .. Yes, we had some .. Yes, they had some .. I had a little much but I was enjoying my girl time as any other girl would .. 

Que the lovely world of social media .. Upon looking through Instagram – we saw a picture of a group of clowns posted by another female at the other house .. It didn’t take us long to figure out, that she was basically calling us a group of clowns .. Mind you, this particular female was supposed to be a neutral friend of both groups .. Especially to one of the girls I was with .. One thing led to another, one drink led to another, and texts/phone calls started flying .. Yes, we totally acted like we were in high school & had a bunch of drunken rants/texts .. Particular girl who threw the first punch at calling us a clown, was the same girl who singled me out & started a side conversation bashing me as a person .. Anyone who knows me, the REAL me, knows that if you throw the first punch & open that door – you better be prepared to get it back .. Did she say hurtful things? Absolutely .. Did I say hurtful things? Absolutely .. & that ladies & gentlemen, is NOT how you have a successful girls night .. Especially being 28 years old ..

I’m the kind of person who tries to avoid situations like this, at all cost .. I don’t like arguing .. I don’t like nit picking .. I don’t like throwing verbal punches .. and I surely do not like when someone doesn’t get along with me .. The next morning after said incident, I had every intention of going to “that girl” and apologizing for the drunken, hurtful things I said .. Honestly, you could pay me $1 million dollars to tell you what I said to her & I couldn’t do it .. Yeah, that inebriated .. To my surprise, said “girl” had taken it upon herself, to not only contact my close friends, but her husband decided to contact my boyfriend & pretty much try to put together an “I hate Brittany” group .. Yes, this person is almost the same age as myself .. I made ONE comment to her that set her off so bad, she felt compelled to rally against me to try & convince other people that I was a shitty person .. That’s not normal right? It’s just sad to me how someone can be so insecure with themselves, that the only way they know how to resolve issues, is to keep adding to them .. She has yet to acknowledge that she started this whole incident .. Had she NOT thrown the clown post in there, none of this would’ve happened .. & I dare someone to say they have NEVER made a rude or inappropriate comment when they were plastered .. If you say you haven’t, you’re a liar .. I don’t just go around saying mean things to people .. That’s not who I am .. But if you’re standing outside throwing rocks at me – expect those rocks to come back 10x harder .. I am not a fighter in the least, but I will defend myself .. 

Two weeks went by .. I’ve let it go, I’ve moved on & I haven’t spoke of or thought of “said girl” .. Hop onto another amazing social network site – Facebook – and see that “said girl” has gone to her friend & she posts something on Facebook about it .. Two Weeks .. 14 days .. & you’re still recruiting people to protest against me .. I don’t know about you, but in 2 weeks, I got a lot accomplished .. None of them was worrying about this pointless drama .. I’m avoiding it & letting it go, yet it won’t go away ..

Against my better judgement, I decided to be a mature adult & go to “said girl” to try to reconcile or at least agree to be civil, due to having to be around her a lot because of mutual friends ..

Yeah – that conversation went NO WHERE .. From that point forward, I just decided that if she chooses to live her life in such a hateful, negative, un –forgiving way, then so be it .. She can spend her whole life being miserable & clinging onto ONE thing I said .. I can spend my whole life doing the same, except I won’t .. She doesn’t want my apology so she won’t get it ..

Which brings me to this .. 

Social Media .. Can anyone remember a time where they didn’t have FB, IG, Twitter, even AIM to communicate with people? Yeah I can .. I was 10 .. and Life was amazing .. I had real friends .. I played outside with my friends .. I had to go to school to keep up on the lives of my friends or have sleepovers to meddle in what they did on the weekends .. How nice was life without the constant need to post everything and check everything and judge and criticize and feel as though you had to live up to some kind of “social media standard”? I’ve never been so critical of myself .. Should I post that? Should I post this? No that picture shows my double chin. No you can see my fat roll .. Eww that’s what I look like? I never thought of myself as “big” or “thick” until I became a part of Instagram or Facebook or even Pinterest .. Constant posts of “Size 12’s are considered plus sized” .. Wow I’m a size 12 .. I Scourer Pinterest for recipes, scourer Instagram for motivational pictures, scourer Facebook to see other people who you want to look like & never feel good enough & get depressed & then eat your sadness & continue to stay the same .. Disgusting .. But it’s everyday life for people .. More kids committing suicide, more shootings, more crime because we are given this platform to feel bad for ourselves, envious of others and greedy to the point where we don’t even want to have our own life anymore .. What if everyone could just mind their own business & learn to love what they have & who they are? When someone says life is beautiful – it isn’t .. Life is what you make it .. If you want it to be beautiful – I want to encourage everyone to take a 7 day break from your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest – EVERYTHING .. and just LIVE .. Live YOUR life ..  

The broken friendship & the drama that I was apart of - was started by social media .. One post, two posts, one text, two texts .. It all led to this ridiculous bashing session .. I realize not everyone will be friends with me .. I realize everything I say, or do, or post, or talk about, will be twisted and judged and used against me at one point in my life, if not on a daily basis .. That’s just how some people function .. That’s just how some people make themselves feel better about themselves .. Friendships are being tested .. Relationships are constantly judged .. There is always something going on in everyone’s lives that revolve around some kind of social media .. I’ll leave off with a quote that was sent to me by a friend ..

“I guess our parents stayed together simply because they didn’t have 7,000 people following them or liking their pictures at their disposal when their marriage or relationship got hard. Nowadays, when our relationship hits the rocks, we can just log on and get high off of this false sense of security and appreciation. We value our worth based on comments and inbox messages filled with colorful words that have no depth. Meanwhile, the person who loves you when there is no filter on your face becomes an option and the rest of the world who just sees your representative becomes priority. Don’t lose what is real chasing behind what only appears to be”.

Happy back-to-blogging & Happy Monday!