Boats & Hoes

I really had no other title for this post .. As any good blogger, I asked my girlfriends what I should blog about today .. that was the response .. 

Let’s talk boats .. They’re big .. I get sea sick .. I’d buy a yacht if I could afford it .. I was out on a boat once, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, off the coast of South Carolina .. doing what you ask? Shark fishing of course .. During this awesome adventure, I only threw up 4 times! That’s after taking Dramamine .. an hour into our fishing excursion, we had a bite, lost it, had another bite, lost it & then the skies turned black .. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate any & everything to do with thunderstorms .. Just my luck .. stuck on a boat – in the ocean – during a severe thunderstorm with 50mph winds & 12 foot waves .. No big deal .. until the captain comes down & gives us all life jackets .. I threw up 4 more times .. and had a panic attack .. lightning struck the water .. I think I crapped myself .. The winds blew the boat almost completely onto it’s side .. I crapped myself again .. Then, just like that, the sun came out .. I cried .. and laughed .. and cussed .. and cleaned myself up .. 3 hours later, we headed back to the dock & as I stepped out of the boat, I collapsed because of “sea legs” & I threw up again .. So no, I don’t want to ride in your boat or go fishing on your boat & if you have a yacht, I’ll think about it, but you have to check the weather report & there better not be a cloud in sight bitch! 

Let’s talk hoes .. Oh hoes .. There are so many kinds .. The kinds who want to have your baby, the kinds who want to wreck your happy home, the kind who want your money or the kind who just want to be someone’s something .. That’s so exhausting for me .. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been a hoe .. I never wanted kids .. I don’t want to be with someone who belongs to someone .. I have my own money .. and surely, I don’t want to be something to just anybody .. Even when I got with Brent, it was because I wanted his boat .. & he was single .. & he didn’t have kids .. & he is attractive .. oh, & I was single .. & I didn’t have kids .. it’s the perfect set up .. Then, a month later, I turned into a hoe, because I got pregnant with his baby .. Now some people think, I did that on purpose .. Me? Really? You think I just woke up and said, “I’d like to have stretch marks & gain 60-70lbs & push a butterball turkey out of my delicate blooming tiger lily?” .. Yeah, I think not .. That is what we call LUST .. and that’s what we call failed birth control .. & vodka .. LOTS of vodka .. 

Can we for one minute switch the subject & talk about the disappearing plane?? Am I the only one who thinks it’s a big conspiracy & Malaysia has the plane & all the people & they are sworn to secrecy because China & Russia are going to bomb the USA? Little extreme? I just don’t understand how a plane disappears .. Then the stupid Prime Minister of Australia, thinks he can just announce the plane crashed into the water, before they even see if the two floating objects belong to the plane .. How does that make sense? I think I’m going to go purchase some land, make an underground bunker, and just hide out from the world forever .. How scary is this world?! Every. Single. Day. There is something new .. A bombing .. A killing .. Disappearing planes .. Oil spills .. Natural disasters .. the highway I travel 2 times a day, always has accidents .. There has been an accident on Interstate 81 every day for the past month .. I swear .. 

Think I’ll make an underground ocean for my boat and fill it with hoes .. That’s got to be safer right?

Happy Tuesday!!